


A future together?

by Maloui



Category: Homeland
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-27
Updated: 2015-10-10
Packaged: 2018-04-17 12:51:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 10,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4667204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maloui/pseuds/Maloui
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The story takes place some time after Season 2 finale. I threw in some aspects from the beginning of Season 3 but the story isn't supposed to fit in the storyline of Season 3. It mainly focuses on the reunion of Carrie and Brody after the CIA bombing and Brody's run. Will they find a way back together?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> It's my first fanfic. Please review

 

Carrie sat down a rock beside the street not far from Boa Vista, a small town in Brazil. She was exhausted and her mind was spinning around the same thoughts over and over again since she first touched ground in Brazil.  
It had been about 3 months since she had left Brody after the CIA bombing at the Canadian border. There had been so less time to make a plan for everything. He had to flee, so much was clear. He was the prime suspect. It had been his car blowing up the whole CIA. There were nearly no survivors, about 27 out of 200. Saul had not been at the memorial service. Thinking about the look on Saul’s face the moment she entered the destroyed building after helping Brody to leave made her feel sad. He had been relieved at first. But it hadn’t taken long to figure out what she had done. He knew where she had been when the bomb went off and what she was doing after that. She and Brody hadn’t been on the list of victims. He knew she had helped Brody escape that night. She had betrayed him, had lied to him. Yet, he hadn’t blown her cover. He was even helping her now. She had messed up a lot in her career, but he had never turned his back on her. He wasn’t resentful, one quality she liked about him the most. She remembered him saying: ”You are the smartest and dumbest person I’ve fucking known”. They had argued but somehow it had been some kind of compliment at that time. Of course, their relationship had been more than tense after the bombing. They had sat down one night with a bottle of wine three weeks after the incident and had talked. Talked until late that night. In the end she had felt Saul was finally understanding. He had been able to relate to her actions. She had been relived because she was still remaining of the conviction of having done everything right.

  
Her thoughts wandered off to Brody. She missed him. Before the bomb had gone off she had felt relieved and happy. She had told him she wanted to be with him. She had thought it would be over, that she could probably even be with Brody for real. She remembered their (second) time at the cabin when everything seemed to be fine. They had talked about the future and she knew how grateful Brody had been for his second chance. He had wanted to be with her although she had been able to see the fear of losing her in his eyes. He had known how much Carried loved working for the CIA and all he had wanted was to start a new life far away from all of that. Carrie had been scared too, didn’t know what to do. They both had not known if it was possible for them to be together. But somehow Carrie had had the feeling they could make it. All her happiness had been destroyed in one fateful second. The future she had thought of had gone far away. At this time she had doubts it would be even slightly possible to have a normal future with Brody. She still loved him like she had never loved anyone before. Leaving him at the night in the woods not knowing if she would ever see him again had broken her heart. It had always been the job at the CIA and her. She had even been offered to be station chief. Now all she wished for was a life outside the CIA with the man she loved.  
Carrie didn’t know how but Saul had managed to find Brody. He was held hostage in Caracas. Saul was on his way to get him free and they would meet here in Boa Vista tomorrow. It needed to be a place where they would be able to avoid causing a stir. Brody was still wanted for bombing the CIA and his face was still everywhere on the news. She wasn’t sure about how to feel about the forthcoming reunion with Brody. She didn’t know what he had been through and she wouldn’t dare to begin to imagine. Saul didn’t know much more either or in case he did, he wasn’t telling her. Sometime Carrie couldn’t tell what was on his mind.  
Carrie wondered if Brody would still love her, even like her a bit. She wasn’t sure. A tear rolled down her cheeked. She didn’t bother to sweep it away. Right after the bomb had gone off she hadn’t been so sure of his innocence. He had seen the gaze in her eyes right after they had regained consciousness. She had even pointed her gun at him. Carrie knew she had hurt him a lot by her suspicion. Still she had helped him flee. Subconsciously she had known it hadn’t been him. He wasn’t capable of something like that. Maybe he had been after his return to the United States, but so much had changed after that. He had become a true man. He had decided to live. That’s why she was convinced he was innocent. But who knew what he was feeling after all this time on the run?


	2. Chapter 2

Carrie woke up the next morning feeling sick to the stomach. She hadn’t got much sleep last night after she had been back at the small hotel where she was staying. The day had finally arrived. She was nervous. She finally got up and took a quick shower. She ordered some breakfast to her room unless she wasn’t even hungry. She forced herself to eat at least something. She didn’t know when would be the next time she had the chance to eat. She was supposed to meet Saul at 1 pm about 10 miles outside the city where they had set a small camp. They couldn’t just get Brody a room in her hotel.

Carrie was restless so she decided to go early. The feeling in her stomach was still there and she knew it wouldn’t go away until she could take Brody in her arms. She arrived at camp at 11:30. Saul had recruited some reliably men who kept guard at the gate. They let her in without any problems. She parked her car in front of the main building but didn’t go in. She sat down on the lawn trying to figure out what to say to Brody when he would arrive. She tried to figure out how to act around him. Should she hug him? Or actually kiss him? What would he do? Would he kiss her? Carrie wondered how much he would’ve changed. She knew she still loved him but things were different now. Intuitively she touched her belly. Last week she had found out that she was pregnant with Brody’s child. It must have happened when they had been at the cabin. If things were different she would actually feel some kind of happiness. But they weren’t. Indeed Brody was coming back but she didn’t know how things were with him. She didn’t know if she wanted to keep that baby. She needed to get Brody involved. She was done deciding things on her own. At least things concerning both her and Brody. The moment they had said goodbye in the woods he had told her that it was love. But it had felt like an end. She knew that he had not been expecting to see her again. He had said goodbye forever.

An hour and a half later, Carrie saw a car coming through the gate. She stood up, put her hands into her pockets. Then she crossed them in front of her. Carrie didn’t know what to do. She was too nervous. She caught herself biding her lip until she could taste blood. The car was closing in and Carrie felt the urge to cry. She tried hard not to fall apart and remembered just now why she should’ve taken her meds this morning. Just when she was about to give in the car stopped right beside hers. She watched Saul get out and open the back door. Another man got out and helped him pull out another person. Carrie was shocked by what she was seeing. It had to be Brody but she couldn’t believe it was really him. The man didn’t look like him. He was skinny and bald and she could make out several wounds in different stages of healing. What had happened to him?

Carrie was unable to move at all. So she just stood there watching the men coming closer and finally reaching her. Somehow she had expected to see him in bad shape but this was way worse. Brody was barely conscious and could only walk with the help of Saul and the other man. When they passed her, Carrie didn’t dare to look closely. She was scared. She could feel a tear running down her cheek. After some time Carrie followed them inside. She stopped at the door jamb, too scared to go any further. It was a small room with nearly no furniture in it. On the left wall hang a painting from some kind of landscape. Across from the door there was a bed where they had put Brody. Next to the right wall, Saul sat on a chair. A doctor was looking after Brody. An infusion bag was hanging from a stand beside the bed. Carrie couldn’t hold it back any longer. Tears were rolling down her cheeks. Why hadn’t she left with him that night? Why hadn’t she taken care of him instead of taking care of the CIA which had done her wrong so many times? Would Brody be fine if she had decided to go with him? Carrie blamed herself massively. It was all her fault.

Saul looked up to her. She was still crying and didn’t bother to hide it. Saul stood up and walked up to her. He touched her arm.

“Come.”, he said and pulled Carrie into the next room.

“S…Saul” It was all she could say.

Saul pulled Carrie close, trying to comfort her. He knew there was no point at this time. Carrie moved back a step.

“What the hell happened to him?” Carrie asked, looking Saul right in the eye. She wanted to tell if he was lying or not when he answered her.

“I don’t know, Carrie.” He already knew that it was a useless try.

“Come on, Saul. The truth.”

“I don’t know much. He was captured somewhere in Venezuela by some drug lord. By then he had been already in bad shape.”

“I left him at the Canadian border, Saul. How did he fucking end up in Venezuela?” Carrie’s mood changed from sadness to anger.

“I don’t know, really. Some informant had told me there was an American prisoner in a slum in Caracas. It turned out to be Brody. I pulled some strings to get him free but of course no one would tell me anything. Neither is he in a condition to talk about it.” Saul looked down.

Carrie seemed satisfied for the moment but Saul could tell there were more questions in her head. Questions only Brody would be able to answer – if he recovered.

“I wish I would’ve gone with him. I would’ve taken care of him.”

“It’s not your fault, Carrie.”

“It is. How could I miss it? Nazir’s death, it made me forget what terrorism is really like. It never ends. If one of them dies, there are five to move up. There is always someone or something to blow up. The CIA had always been his number one target. We killed his son, Saul. It was us. How could I not see that?

Saul was quiet. He knew Carrie had been blind after Nazir’s death. She had worked hard to archive that. Saul could remember a lot of moments when Carrie had been about to break down. But with Abu Nazir finally dead, all she had seen was her future with Brody. She had actually chosen him over her career.

“You should get some rest.” Saul looked at Carrie’s belly.

“I need to be with him.”

Saul sighed. Carrie always needed to have the last word, do what she thought was best. Carrie left the room walking up to Brody’s. Still she was scared to go in. She stopped. The doctor looked up.

“How is he?” Carrie managed to ask.

“At first, he’s very dehydrated. Looking at his figure, he hasn’t eaten in a long time. And then there are the wounds all over his body. Some are badly infected. He has a sepsis.”

Carrie nodded.

“I can help him with the dehydration and malnutrition. I can’t tell how bad the sepsis really is. I need to get him as stable as possible to run some test. For now he gets some antibiotics.”

“Can I sit with him?”

“Yes. I leave you two alone. I’ll be near in case you need me.” He left.

Carrie was still standing outside the room. Brody lay on the bed motionlessly. His bald head was covered in sweat. Carrie couldn’t tell if it was because of pain or a fever from the sepsis. Finally she brought herself to step in. She pulled the chair next to the bed.


	3. Chapter 3

Two hours later, Carrie still sat beside Brody’s bed, her feet on the chair and her arms around her legs. Her head was resting on her knees while she was watching Body. Saul had brought her some food some time ago but she had not touched it. Brody had not woken up by now. The doctor had changed the infusion bag some minutes ago. Carrie was still waiting for it to work. But she didn’t know what to do yet when Brody woke up.

“You need to eat” Saul was standing in the door and pointing at the plate.

“I’m not hungry.” Carrie answered.

“Eat.” Saul insisted. “And particularly take your meds.”

Carrie stood up and took the sandwich Saul had brought her. She walked up to him.

“He’s not better.” Carrie turned around and looked at Brody.

“It needs time. He’s been here for only two hours. He was stuck in that hole for who knows how long.”

“I don’t know what to do. I need to do something.”

“You can’t do anything.”

Carrie took a bite but only because it was the only thing she could think of.

“Eat and then get some sleep. There’s a bed in the room down the hall.”

“I want to be there when he wakes up”

“I come and get you when he does. Until then, get some rest – for the both of you.”

Carrie nodded. Once again she looked at Brody and then walked to the other room. Before sleeping she took her meds. She couldn’t use a down right now. She needed to be strong.

About an hour later Saul knocked on the door.

“Carrie, he woke up.”

Immediately, she was wide awake. She followed Saul to Brody’s room, still in socks. She was so nervous she forgot to put her shoes back on. They stopped before they went in.

“Don’t expect too much. He’s still in a critical condition. I’ll be right outside if you need me, okay?” Saul touched Carrie’s arm in encouragement.

Carrie just nodded and took a step in. She tried to keep calm as she sat down on the chair. She said nothing, just looked at him. He turned his head in order to look at her. Carrie smiled vaguely.

“Hi.” She said and put her hand on his arm.

Brody looked at her for some seconds and then turned away. Carrie’s eyes filled with tears. She didn’t know what she had expected but that was not it. Him ignoring her had not been on her mind. She wiped away her tears and left the room. Saul was standing outside.

“Give him some time. He’s in bad shape. He will come around eventually.”

Carrie said nothing, fighting against her tears. Saul could see her heart was still broken. She had hoped she was looking at a happy ending here. No one would’ve expected to see Brody in that condition. It was way worse than Saul had imagined. He hoped that Brody would get back on his feet again – for his and Carrie’s sake. If not, he didn’t know what would happen to Carrie. He was pretty sure she wouldn’t make it again. Losing him once had nearly ruined her.

“I’m going back in. He can’t ignore me forever.” Before Saul could stop her she was already back beside Brody’s bed, her hand on his arm.

“I’m glad to see you.” Carrie tried. “If there is anything I can do…”

Brody just lay there, his eyes on the ceiling. Carrie resisted on leaving the room again. She had to stay. She needed to let him know that she wouldn’t leave him again. Nevertheless, it was hard for her. All she had wanted was for everything to be fine. She needed everything to be fine. It had been long since she had been really happy.

By looking at Brody she saw a broken man. He was broken for the second time in his life. The first time must’ve been like hell, waiting in that dark hole for death finally to arrive. But that night at the cabin, he had believed in his second chance. She could have seen it in his eyes. He had wanted a future together with her, far away from all the bad things in the past. They both had believed the past had died with Nazir in that factory. Being in a dark hole again, Carrie couldn’t even begin to imagine what it must’ve done to Brody. And now he was lying on the bed in front of her, no hope left.

She sat back in the chair, pulling her legs to her body. She was done trying to play the strong one and let her tears run down her cheeks.


	4. Chapter 4

Saul was on the flight to Caracas. He was about to get Nicholas Brody out of his captivity. Last week one of his informants had called Saul to tell him that there was an American prisoner at some slum house right outside of Caracas. That instant, Saul had known it was Brody.

He remembered his talk with Carrie some weeks after the Langley bombing. They had really needed to talk. Not long after Carrie had returned to the scene and told him she had been unconscious while Brody slipping out of the country, Saul had figured it all out. She had helped him flee. At first Saul had been very upset. How could she have protected a terrorist? After letting some time go by, he had reached out to her on private basis. He had wanted to hear her version. Basically it had been all about her love to him and her believing in his innocence. At first he had not believed her but then it all made sense. Setting Brody up and ruining his future, that was revenge for betraying Nazir. At least the video on TV with Brody confessing had to be a fake. The problem was they had no proof.

With Brody back, they might have a shot on revealing the truth. Maybe he could give them some information about Abu Nazir and his plans. There might be even some evidence to find with his help. Saul wasn’t the most optimistic person on this planet and he did not know in which condition he would find Brody but mostly he had to do it for Carrie. They had a long history together. From her first day at the CIA on Saul had been her mentor, had even become a friend to her. Becoming friends was rare in that occupation group. They deeply trusted each other. Although Carrie had messed up not only once or twice, he had always stood up for her. She had lied to him about Brody massively and more than one time. He knew she was stubborn and her bipolar contributed its part to her actions. But nevertheless she was a damn good field agent who had often saved their missions with her brilliant ideas. Maybe that’s why he had always given her another chance.

Some hours later, Saul was standing in front of the building where Brody was held hostage. Next to him was one of the mercenaries he had recruited for this mission. Back at the plane, a doctor was waiting for them. Saul’s heart was beating fast as they climbed the stairs. Upstairs he was leaded to a heavy and locked door. One of the drug lord’s soldiers unlocked and opened it. He left Saul to it. Saul took a step into the room. The only light was getting through the door. Saul could barely see inside. He could spot a motionless body in one of the corners. Brody. He walked up to him, checking his pulse. Brody was barely alive. His body was meager and covered with wounds. He had been shot in his shoulder and his abdomen. Some of his wounds were badly infected. This was way worse than Saul had expected. He doubted Brody would even make it to Boa Vista alive.

Saul called for the other man to help him carry Brody down the stairs. Not 60 minutes later, they were back on the plan. They would meet with Carrie in Brazil. What would she think? How would she feel? He could see the shock on her face. When he had made the decision to initiate this mission, Saul had hesitated to tell Carrie. He had not wanted to bring her hopes up. He had been glad to see her back on her feet again. Telling her about rescuing Brody could’ve destroyed all of that. In the end, he had decided to tell her anyway. It had been best to let her know from the beginning that to provoke she would find out on her own eventually. Trust was an important issue here and Saul needed her on his team.

Carrie was waiting for them outside at the safe house in Boa Vista. He could see the horror in her eyes when they walked by. Brody was nearly unconscious and severely dehydrated. They carried Brody to the bed they had set up for him. The doctor was putting up an infusion to treat the dehydration. Saul sat down beside the bed and watched him do his work. When Carrie finally arrived to the door jamb he looked at her. He could see shock mixed with guilt. Tears were on her cheeks. He knew she was blaming herself but there was nothing she could’ve done. A live on the run with a baby on the way would not have been an option. Letting him go on his own must’ve been hard but it had been the right decision at that time.

Saul tried to comfort her with no success. At least he was able to get her to eat and sleep later that day. It was important that she was taking care of herself and the baby. When Carrie was sleeping, Saul watched over Brody. He wasn’t awake but Saul could tell he was in pain. With a small towel he wiped away the sweat on Brody’s forehead. The doctor came in and injected some antibiotics in the infusion bag to take care of the infection.

“Will he make it?” Saul asked.

“He’s in a critical condition. Surely, I can handle the dehydration and even the malnutrition when he wakes up. But this infection is bad. He’s having a fever. I hope his temperature is not going to rise anymore. At least they had taken the bullets from his gunshot wounds. Unfortunately, they had not taken care of anything else. Instead they had put him in a hole.”

“I need you to do your best. He’s our only chance to know who is really responsible for the Langley bombing.”

“If he makes it through tonight, it’s a good sign. Then he needs to eat. His body needs to fight the infection.”

“Thanks.” Saul said and the doctor left the room.

For half an hour there was no change at all. Then Brody slowly opened his eyes. Looking irritated as he was trying to figure out where he was. Saul pulled the chair closer to the bed.

“Good to see you alive. We got you out. You’re in an US safe house in Brazil now. Carrie’s here too.”

Brody said nothing. His eyes where empty, not focusing on anything. Saul just said there being silent for a moment. Then he got up to get Carrie. He was wondering how their meeting would be. Brody was lethargic, Carrie terrified but full of hope. She was about to get her hopes crushed.

His thought turned out to be correct when Saul watched Carrie sitting beside Brody’s bed for the next hours crying. He had ignored her after taking on brief look at her. She tried to be strong but couldn’t take it. When Saul looked for Carrie later that evening, she was asleep. Saul put a blanket around her and checked on Brody. He was asleep as well, still fevering but Saul thought that he would make it ‘till morning. He went to bed himself to get some rest.


	5. Chapter 5

When Carrie woke up, she couldn’t tell where she was right away. Then she remembered. She must’ve fallen asleep while watching Brody. Carrie got up and put the blanket down which Saul must’ve put around her at some time. She went over to her room and lay down on the bed. Her mind was spinning. Brody still had not turned to her. Only the thought of it could make her cry again. If she could only crawl up in his bed beside him, hold and kiss him.

Carrie remembered their first meeting. Not the debrief but the one in front of the church. She had followed him to some support group for veterans. Inside she ran into him not knowing what to say. After stuttering some words she had left in panic. What had she done? She had not expected for him to follow her outside. While they had been talking she had felt some kind of chemistry right away. On some level they had connected in that moment. He had been charming. Truly charming, not faking it to pretend to be some nice guy while being a terrorist. Although he had been joking, Carrie had liked the idea of their private support meeting right in that parking lot. She had like talking to him. For one second, when the rain had started, she had thought about kissing him. She had swept it away. And for some reason, she had believed him when he had said that she could not leave him there in the rain. She had believed he had wanted her to stay.

Carrie woke up some hours later from a restless and short night. Her watch told her it was 9 am. She needed coffee and found Saul in the kitchen.

“Morning” Carrie said.

“Morning. Want some coffee?”

“Please.”

Saul handed her a mug with fresh hot coffee.

“How did you sleep?” He asked her.

“Look at me and there’s your answer.” Carrie sighed. “I’m sorry. It’s just so fucking hard right now.”

Saul smiled vaguely. “I know. When did you go to bed last night? I didn’t hear you.”

“Late. Thanks for the blanket by the way.”

“I got you some clothes from your hotel room in case you want to change. There’s a shower down the hall.”

“Thanks. Any news from Brody? Is he better?” Carrie had to ask. She sipped on her coffee to cover her nervousness.

“Last time I checked he was asleep. Doctor said the fever is down a bit. He stopped the infusion but Brody needs to eat and drink.

“That’s good, right?” Carrie asked. Saul nodded.

“I’ll bring him something to eat.”

“Let me do it. I take a quick shower and then I will try to have breakfast with him.”

Saul hesitated. Carrie was trying too hard. He knew she had been crying a lot last night. Her eyes were red and swollen. He didn’t want her to hurt that much. He wanted to protect her. But he also knew that it was pointless when it came to Brody. On that matter, she was absolutely stubborn. She would sit by his side anyway. So why not?

“Okay. I prepare you breakfast, you go take a shower.”

About 15 minutes later, Carrie entered Brody’s room carrying two plates, water and coffee on a tray.

“Good morning.” She said to Brody.

She put down the tray on the stand beside the bed.

“I got you some breakfast.” She tried again.

Still nothing.

Carrie took a deep breath. She just couldn’t start crying every moment he was ignoring her.

“You should eat something to get better.” Carrie didn’t want do give up. “Please, Brody. You don’t have to talk to me. Just eat.”

To be an example, she took her plate and ate the sandwich Saul had made earlier. Just now she noticed how hungry she really was. She had not eaten since yesterday afternoon. She knew it was not good for her and the baby. For the hundredth time she told herself to be more responsible for the life growing inside of her.

Much to her surprise Brody sat up in his bed and took his plate. He did not look at her. Carrie smiled. At least his was eating. That was a start. Carrie drank her coffee.

“Can I have some?”

At first, Carrie thought she misheard. She looked up. Brody was looking at her.

“Sure. I get you some.” With her heart beating fast and weak knees she walked to the kitchen. Saul was getting himself a second cup of coffee.

“He’s up…. and eating. He even wants some coffee.” Carrie took another cup from the board and poured some coffee into it.

“Well, that’s a surprise. So he is talking to you?”

“Not really. Only thing was asking for coffee.”

“It’s a start.”

“I better get back to him.”

Carrie went back to Brody and gave him the cup. He took it without saying anything. Carrie sat back down and finished her sandwich. Brody had eaten his entirely. That’s a good thing, Carrie thought. For now it was okay, he was not talking. Somehow she knew, he would come around in a few days. He would open up to her again. She believed there was still something between them. It was just hidden under all those bad thing he had to go through.

“I leave you alone with your coffee. If you need anything, let me know.” She touched his hand before leaving the room. Carrie decided to get some fresh air. Saul was sitting outside too.

“Are you okay?” Saul asked.

Carrie nodded. “Yeah, I’m fine.” She sat down beside him on a bench. “So tell me, what’s the plan here? What will happen to him?”

“It depends.” Saul said vaguely. “He needs to get better. The doctor said the fever is down but his wounds still look bad. But if he’s eating he will gain strength.”

“And then?”

“I hope he has information and we will be able to proof he is not responsible for the bombing.”

“Thanks, Saul.”

Carrie knew he hadn’t been understanding all the time. How often had he told her to let Brody go? That he wasn’t good for her? She couldn’t tell. There had been times when she had believed him. Brody had made her believe she was out of her mind. She had checked herself into the hospital for ECT because of Brody. But her love for him had never vanished completely and at some point Brody had not been able to deny his feelings either. Somehow Saul had given up although he had never fully approved their relationship.


	6. Chapter 6

Brody couldn’t really remember how he had ended up where he was now. There were only fragments like the face of Saul Berenson when the door of his shitty hole in Caracas had opened or a long car ride with Saul and another man. The next thing was Carrie sitting next to his bed. He had not felt anything. It had not meant anything to him seeing her again. He had actually heard her cry last night and had felt nothing. Brody didn’t know how to feel about Carrie. Months ago, when they had said goodbye he had known he loved her. He had truly loved her. He had forgotten how true love was like before Carrie. Somehow she was able to see beyond those awful things he had done and would have done if it hadn’t been for her. She had helped him to find the right track again. He remembered her saying that the past would not matter if Abu Nazir had been stopped once and for all. What he had done to her, the lies and betrayal, even the ECT, it wouldn’t matter anymore. The fact, that she sat by his side now, proved that she had meant it. He himself had been grateful for his second chance. He had believed he could start over someplace else.

But Brody wasn’t the man she had left at the Canadian border. He was broken, couldn’t remember much of what had happened to him. From Canada, Brody had taken a small ship to Bermuda, a small island in the Atlantic Ocean. Then he had travelled to Panama with a short stop in Cuba. He had not been able to stay in one place very long. He had been afraid to get caught and brought back to the US. Though, he had been caught by some local drug cartel who had wanted to sell him. One night he had been able to escape but got shot on the run. From that moment on his memories vanished. In that hole in Caracas, he had hoped to finally die. He had given up on seeing anyone he loved ever again. After all he had been through with the attempted on killing Walden in the first place and cleaning his conscience by helping the CIA to catch Nazir, it had been just another dark hole for him to end up in. Maybe this is what he deserved, Brody had thought back then.

Maybe it had been better, if Saul had left him there to die one day. Brody didn’t know what to do. He was lying in this bed, feverish and wounds all over his body. What did he come back to? Carrie? The one who had said she wanted to be with him and then left him no matter what? She had decided to stay, take care of her country. He knew running had not been a really good option for both of them, but somehow he had wished for her to come anyway. He had finally admitted that he was in love with her. He should have known that Carrie wasn’t able to leave her outsized sense of duty behind. Yet, she sat beside his bed hours after hours. He wondered why. Was it love? Or did the CIA have another play involving him and it was Carrie’s assignment to get him to do it? The latter, he would never do. He was through with the CIA. Concerning Carrie’s love for him, he didn’t know what do think. He wasn’t even sure if he still loved her.

This morning, Carrie came in with a tray full of breakfast.

“Good morning.” Carrie said to him and put the tray down.

Although he felt better, he didn’t know what to say to her.

“I got you some breakfast.” She tried again.

He was indeed hungry. He didn’t know when had been the last time he had eaten something.

Brody could tell that Carrie was stressed out. He saw her take a deep breath to pull herself together.

“You should eat something to get better. Please, Brody. You don’t have to talk to me. Just eat.” She said and picked up one of the plates.

Carrie was right. He needed to eat something if he ever wanted to get out of this bed. So he sat up and took the other plate from the tray. She had brought a sandwich with cheese and salad.

Brody didn’t dare to look at Carrie. Although he wasn’t clear about his feelings for her, it was nice to know that she was around. He couldn’t think of a time when she had not been around. He had to try. That’s why he decided to ask for coffee.

“Can I have some?”

He could tell that she was surprised. But he could also see the relief in her eyes.

“Sure. I get you some.”

It was a good thing he had asked. It made her feel better.

Carrie came back with a cup filled with hot coffee. Brody had not expected to drink coffee ever again in his life. But here he was.

Carrie handed him the cup. He took a short look at her.

“I leave you alone with your coffee. If you need anything, let me know.” She touched his hand before leaving the room.

Felling her touch made his heart jump. It brought back their night at the cabin when they had been together without any entanglements for the first time. That’s when he knew that there was still something between them.


	7. Chapter 7

The last few days had been very similar. Carrie had brought Brody breakfast and dinner. Brody had not talked much, especially not at all about personal things.

Carrie was sitting outside letting the sun warm her face. She was wondering if there would ever be some kind of closeness between them again. She had hoped it would be better by now, but it really wasn’t. The worst was, she wasn’t able to hide the pregnancy much longer. Soon she would start to show. But would he really notice? He wasn’t even looking at her much. She needed to talk to Brody eventually but she knew that wasn’t easy.

Carrie heard steps approaching behind her. She assumed it was Saul getting some fresh air. To her surprise Brody sat down next to her.

“Hi” He said.

“Hi. You’re outside.” Carrie said to Brody.

“I guess I am.”

“How are you feeling?” Carrie tried and hoped Brody would actually talk to her for more than one sentence.

“Fine, I guess. Considering the last months and what I’ve been through.” He answered with a bitter voice.

“Brody, if you ever want to talk about it, I’m here. And if you don’t, that’s also fine by me.”

Brody was quiet. He was thinking of actually talking to her. The pain she had caused by leaving him. The need never to be in one place more than a week. Getting shot and thrown away in a dark hole to rot. He knew it would be a huge relief. But he was still upset about how she had ditched him after telling him she wanted to be with him not more than 5 hours ago. In a way he knew he couldn’t blame her for not going on the run with him. But she had really hurt him.

“Maybe someday, maybe not.”

Carrie nodded. She could tell Brody was building a shield around him. He didn’t want to get hurt – again.

“Listen, I’m sorry for leaving you. Really sorry”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” The shield, there it was.

“I get that but you really need to hear this.” In fact, Carrie needed it. “It’s my fault. It’s all my fault. I was blind after Nazir’s death. I missed it. It was right in front of me and I missed it.”

Brody said nothing.

“And the worst…. I left you alone.” Carrie’s eyes filled with tears. “I should’ve gone with you. I could’ve protected you. I’m so sorry.”

Carrie took Brody’s hand. He pulled it away. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t just pretend everything was fine now she apologized. It needed more than that. He didn’t know what exactly but a sole and short apology wasn’t enough. He sat there for a moment longer, then stood up and left Carrie sitting there by herself.

Carrie wiped her tears away. She had hoped talking to Brody would help. But could she really blame him? He was hurt and not only by her. She needed to give him more time. But she needed to fix it, too. She had never been much of a patient person. With Brody it was absolutely necessary. He had already built a wall around himself and she couldn’t tear it down. It was up to him and Carrie really hoped she could regain his trust at some point. She decided to clear her head by taking a walk.

In the evening, Carrie was sitting in Brody’s room. They were eating silently as usual. After dinner Carrie took the plates to the kitchen and didn’t go back to Brody. On her walk she had made up her mind. She wanted to leave Brody some space. She would still be around but not sitting by his side all the time. He would come to her if he was ready.

Carrie poured two glasses of wine and found Saul outside. She handed him one.

“Thanks.” Saul said. “He still isn’t talking, huh?”

“No.” Carrie shook her head.

“Well…”

“I know, Saul. He needs time. I got that. I had some time to think this afternoon.”

“That’s good. Listen, I need to fly back for some days. Do you think you can handle it alone while I’m gone?”

Carrie didn’t answer right away.

“I can call someone who can cover for me for a few days.” Saul suggested.

“No, no. I can take it.”

“Are you sure?” Saul wasn’t. He was worried that Carrie couldn’t handle being alone with Brody at this time. Saul knew he was her shoulder to lean on. Being back home, she would be on her own.

“I will be fine, believe me.” Carrie reassured. “Is something wrong? With Mira?”

“No, Mira is fine. She’s still in Mumbai with her family. I have to take care of some things at the agency in person.”

“Okay. Thanks for holding the line. I will be back by the end of the week.”

“No problem. How are thing with Mira anyway?” Carrie knew it was a touchy topic.

“Well, I’m here or rather in the States and she’s not.”

“I see. I’m sorry.”

“Maybe this comes with the job. I don’t know. It had never been easy.”

Carrie sighed. She knew what he was talking about. She had been alone her whole life aside from one night stands and brief affairs. Working for the CIA wasn’t exactly fitting in with a family life.

“After all this, I want to take things easier. I really need to save my marriage.”

Carrie nodded. “That’s good, Saul. Maybe we each have a chance to change some things in our life. Maybe we will not spend the rest of our lives alone.”

“Maybe.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the kudos. Please leave a review/comment as well!

Saul was gone two days now and Carrie was doing okay. She prepared meals for her and Brody, ate with him and left him alone afterwards. The doctor had paid a visit yesterday and had assured Carrie Brody was recovering. The infection was nearly beat and his wounds were healing slowly. Brody still kept to himself. Carrie was on her own. She had expected to take it better than she actually did. She was wandering around the house, not knowing what to do. Her meds were helping a little but she couldn’t stand Brody not talking to her. In her mind she had play out several scenes to get him to talk. None had convinced her.

Carrie was in her bed thinking about where this was going. She had no clue. They were here for several days now and nothing had happened. Brody had recovered but whatever Saul had in mind, it wasn’t working so far. Carrie had hoped they would’ve cleared his name by now. When Javadi had told her it wasn’t him who had moved the bomb, she had been exited. And when they had found the person who actually did it, Carrie had believed she finally had achieved her goal. But then they had lost him and she had been shot. Carrie automatically touched her shoulder. When Saul told her that he had found Brody, Carrie’s hopes had been up again. Now she was sitting around here in this dumb safe house and nothing was happening. She was just killing time. She just couldn’t take it anymore.

Carrie got up and went over to Brody’s room. His bed was empty so she went outside. Carrie could see him on the lawn in the distance. He was going for a walk. Carrie walked up to him.

“Brody” She called him.

Brody turned around but didn’t say.

“I can’t take it anymore.” Carrie said in a louder voice than she wanted to. “You ignoring me, I can’t take it anymore.”

Brody just looked at her. His face was not showing any emotion at all.

“See, that’s what I mean. You just stand there and say nothing. You build this wall around you and keep everybody who cares about you outside.”

“So you say you care about me?” Brody asked her.

“I do, Brody. Why do you think I’m here?” Carrie asked. She was a bit hurt.

Brody sighed. “I don’t know. Maybe you got one of those little CIA plays in motion and need me to participate.”

“You really think that?” Carrie yelled at him. Now she was angry. She had taken a huge risk for him when she had helped him get out of the country. After that she had followed his steps as good as she could in order to not lose him forever. For nearly three years her life had been all about him. He had become the center of her life and now he accused her of using him as a damn CIA asset.

“I don’t know what to think.” Brody said. “You know, Carrie, when I asked those people in Caracas why they were helping me do you know what they answered?”

Brody waited a second and then said “They asked me if I know Carrie Mathison. Because they did, too.”

Carrie wasn’t sure if she understood.

“They weren’t helping me because they cared so much about me. Maybe they wanted to get back at you for something. Maybe they just wanted to sell me out. I don’t know.”

“You’re blaming me?” Carrie asked.

“What if I do? You said it yourself.”

“I do.” A tear was rolling down her face. He had hit a weak spot. “I blame myself for all the things that had happened to you.”

“You shouldn’t have let me go alone, Carrie. You should’ve come with me. I had opened myself up to you completely. I loved you, Carrie.”

The last words hit Carrie in her face. _Loved._ Didn't he love her anymore? Brody noticed what his words did to her but he did nothing to make her feel better.

“I can’t change what I’ve done.”

Brody nodded. He knew she couldn’t make it undone.

“I can only try to make it up to you somehow.” Carrie said with a broken voice.

Brody went back to saying nothing. His wall was back up.

Carrie reached for his hand and was surprised when he let her take it.

“I missed you.” Carrie looked down.

He had missed her, too. It felt good holding her hand and he just wanted to take her in his arms. Somehow he couldn’t. So he hoped that she wouldn’t take away her hand.

“Tell me you feel nothing and I leave you alone.”

Brody didn’t answer. Carrie let go of his hand and turned around. She started walking away.

“Carrie, don’t.” Brody called after her.

Carrie stopped walking but didn’t turn around. Brody walked up to her and took her hand.

“Don’t go.” Brody said.

Carrie turned around and looked him in the eyes.

“I need you.” Brody whispered and looked at Carrie.

She took a step closer to him, waiting for him to do the next step. And he did. Brody took Carrie in his arms and held her close. She rested her head on his chest and she could hear his heart beating fast. It felt so good to finally hold him. All this time she had been without him didn’t seem to matter at all in this moment.


	9. Chapter 9

In the evening Brody and Carrie sat together in the kitchen eating diner. Actually it was only the rest she found in the fridge. They were running low on groceries. She would be able to make breakfast in the morning but then she would need to go to the city.

“I need to pick up some groceries tomorrow. Saul won’t be back until the day after tomorrow. Do you think you will be fine on your own for an hour or two?” Carrie asked.

“Take me with you. I need to get out of here.”

“Brody, you know I can’t do that. Besides you’re not fit enough for a trip to the city.”

Brody was silent.

“I’m sorry.” Carrie said.

“It’s okay. Can I ask you something, Carrie?”

“Anything” Carrie was a bit nervous not knowing what he would ask her. There was still some kind of tension between them. She knew they were far away from being okay again.

“Where are we?” At least it wasn’t an unpleasant question to answer.

“Brazil, some miles out of Boa Vista.”

“How long are we staying?” Brody asked next.

“Honestly, I don’t know. We need to sit down with Saul when he comes back day after tomorrow.”

“Okay” Brody seemed unsatisfied by her answer but Carrie really didn’t know. They needed to talk to Brody about the Langley bombing and Nazir. But this was not the right time for that conversation.

“Do you want more?” Carrie asked and pointed at his plate.

“No thanks. I think I want to lie down.” Brody said stood up.

“Alright” Carrie stood up and started to clear the table. Brody was about to leave the room but then turned around.

“Carrie?”

Carrie turned around to him. “Yes?”

“Thank you.” Then Brody left the room.

When Carrie tidied up the kitchen she let the day pass in front of her. Now she knew some of the things which were on Brody’s mind. She had hurt him bad when she had left him. She hoped that he would ever be able to trust her again. At least he was talking to her by now. When he had said that he needed her, Carrie’s heart had jumped. There was still something between them after all this time. It had felt good to be held by him. She didn’t know if they would be together again but she was almost sure that he would be in her life, their lives. She petted her belly. Now that she had managed to talk to Brody in general, she would be able to talk to him about their baby someday soon. She made a grocery list for the next day and went to Brody’s room. He was sleeping peacefully with the door open. Carrie smiled and went to bed herself. At least this night she would get some sleep.

When Carrie got up the next morning she could smell fresh coffee. She went over to the kitchen still being drowsy. She stopped at the door and looked at Brody preparing breakfast for the two of them. Carrie couldn’t help but smile. Brody turned around and saw her.

“For how long have you been standing there?”

“Long enough” Carrie said with a smile and entered the room.

“Want some coffee?” To Carrie’s surprise Brody smiled back at her.

“Yes please.”

Brody filled a cup and handed it to her.

“Thanks.” Carrie sat down at the table. “If you want anything in particular just put it on the list. I’m leaving after breakfast.”

“Thank you.”

Breakfast passed without much talking but it was fine by Carrie. She wasn’t much of a morning person. She liked to drink her coffee in silence. Luckily Brody wanted to have breakfast silently as well. After breakfast she took a shower and checked in with Brody before leaving for grocery shopping. It was hard to leave him but she wouldn’t be gone too long.

Carrie was back after an hour and a half. Brody helped her carry the bags inside. He seemed happy to see her.

“Thanks for helping me. But you shouldn’t have. You still need to rest.”

“I’m fine, but thanks.” Brody said. “So what did you get?”

“Everything on the list and something special for you.” Carrie answered with a smile.

“What is it?”

Carrie opened one of the bags and pulled out a jar of peanut butter.

“Where did you get that?” Brody asked excited.

“It’s a secret.” Carrie said mysteriously. “I remembered the morning at the cabin when you couldn’t stop whining about not having peanut butter.” She could see that Brody remembered as well but she could also see the pain in his eyes. He missed the time at the cabin when everything had been different and easy.

“Well, I thought it would brighten your mood up.” Carrie broke the silence.

“It does.” He touched her hand which lay on the counter.

“Brody, I need to talk to you.” Carrie said and wished she could take it back the next second.

Brody was surprised.

“You better sit down.” Carrie said and sat down as well.

“What is it? Is something wrong?” Brody asked wondering what was going on. Did their safe house has been compromised?

Carrie took a deep breath. There was no way out at this point. She could feel Brody’s eyes on her although she kept her own eyes looking at the floor.

“I’m pregnant.” Her heart was beating so fast she was frightened it would jump out of her body.

Brody said nothing. His eyes were still on Carrie.

“I’m 3 months pregnant, from our time at the lake.” Carrie looked at Brody who still kept quiet. She couldn’t believe it.

“I know it’s complicated. More than it already was and I don’t know what will happen in the future. I don’t know what Saul’s plan is. I don’t even know what kind of life we will have. If we will be together or apart. But fact is that we created a life, Brody.” Carrie said excitedly. She was surprised by her reaction but she really couldn’t take Brody’s silence on this topic.

“Are you done?” Brody asked.

Carrie shrugged.

“Why didn’t you tell me earlier?” Brody asked and looked at Carrie.

“When? When was I supposed to tell you? When you were ignoring me?” Carrie was still upset.

Brody wanted to yell at her. He hadn’t exactly been on vacation after they had separated 3 months ago. He had expected to die and when he had first got here he hadn’t really known what was going on. Yes, Brody hadn’t been joyful when he saw Carrie again but he was allowed to feel a certain way. But this was not the time to get openly angry. Brody took a deep breath.

“I just wish you had told me sooner. I’m sorry.” Brody tried to calm Carrie down.

Carrie remained silent.

“So, are you listening to me now?”

Carrie nodded faintly.

“I’m far away from knowing what my future will be and I can’t promise you anything about the future we both may have. But I want to be in both your and the baby’s life. Maybe that’s the only reason why I’m still alive.”

Carrie didn’t know if she was supposed to cry or smile. She had not expected this reaction. She was touched. That’s why she loved him.

“I’m sorry I gave you that speech.” Carrie apologized.

“It’s okay.” Brody smiled and took her hand in his. “Don’t worry. We will find a way. I’ll be there for you.”


	10. Chapter 10

After Brody had gone to bed later that day, Carrie sat down in the kitchen. She still couldn’t believe that she had actually told him about the baby. Even more, she couldn’t believe that he had reacted so well. She had wanted to tell him that she loved him but she had been able to hold that back. For all she knew, Brody already knew there were feelings left on her side. But one thing at a time. For now she was happy that he wanted to be involved.

Earlier she had also received a message from Saul. He would be back in the morning. Carrie was relieved. Saul was always able to calm her down, take away her nervousness. He always had a plan. Carrie was sure that the three of them could sit down the next day and talk things over.

Carrie woke up by heavy knocking on her door.

“Carrie?” She heard a man shouting. “Carrie, get up!”

Carrie managed to get herself out of bed. She opened the door and looked into Saul’s eyes.

“Jesus Saul, what’s going on?” Carrie asked and rubbed her eyes to see clearly.

“Brody’s gone.”

“What do you mean he’s gone?”

Carrie didn’t know what to think. Had Brody gone for a walk? Carrie hoped so but deep down she knew he hadn’t. He bailed. Carrie couldn’t believe it. She remembered him saying that he would be there for her and their little baby. Not even 12 hours later he was gone. Carrie wondered if she should’ve expected something like that. Hadn’t it been too easy? Telling him about the baby and him being all in? Maybe she had been stupid. Her love for him had made her blind for one more time. Carrie wanted to cry.

Saul knew better than to yell at Carrie for letting Brody slip. He could see the sadness in her eyes. Yelling at her would only make it worse.

“What happened, Carrie? Why did Brody run?” He asked instead.

“I don’t know. It was fine yesterday. Actually it was fine the last few days.”

“Tell me everything. We need to find out what wasn’t fine.” Saul said and went to the kitchen. Carrie followed. As she hoped, Saul handed her a cup of coffee. They sat down. Carrie took a deep breath before she started talking. She already knew, Brody being on the run was on her.

“For two days Brody and I didn’t talk much. I cooked, we ate and I left him alone afterwards. We took walks separately and only here on the property. On day three I couldn’t take it anymore. With you here I had someone to talk to. Being alone with Brody I only had someone ignoring me most of the time.”

Carrie knew Saul would blame her for her weakness but he didn’t say anything. Saul knew he shouldn’t have left them alone. It was his fault, too. He should’ve known how fragile Carrie really was when it came to Brody.

“I confronted him. At first he was silent but then we yelled at each other for a moment. He blamed me for Caracas and asked me if this was some kind of play we set in motion. Something I was about to talk him into.”

“What did you tell him?” Saul sat up in his chair.

“That I don’t know. That I was here because I care for him.” Carrie wondered why Saul got so alerted. For all she knew there wasn’t a play. Now she was almost sure there was one. She wanted to ask Saul about that later.

“So you told him the truth.” Saul knew Carrie blamed herself. He blamed her as well. Her task had been to keep an eye on Brody. She had assured him she could handle it while he was gone-

“What else could I have told him? I don’t know what is going on here, Saul.”

“What happened then?” Saul was avoiding talking about why Brody was really here.

“He came around eventually. He said he needed me. Do you know how it felt to hold him in my arms again, Saul? It felt good. Very good. I thought we made a step forward.”

“You did, Carrie. You got Brody to open up to you. That’s important.” He was telling the truth. Brody had not talked to Saul either. That’s why Carrie was here. Saul had known she would manage to get to him. She always had.

“He left anyway.”

“What about yesterday?” Saul knew there had to be something else. From what Carrie told up to this moment, Saul couldn’t tell why Brody would run.

“Looking at it now, I may have done something stupid.” Carrie took a sip of her coffee before continuing. “At breakfast I told him about the baby.”

Carrie looked at Saul and saw his disapproval. She had seen this look years ago when he found out she had hooked up with Brody in the first place.

“It was fine, really. Of course, he was surprised. But he seemed happy. He assured he would be there for us.” Carrie petted her belly. Would her child grow up without a father?

“And you believed him?” Saul asked rhetorically. He already knew the answer. Sometimes he wondered if Carrie could ever be objective when it came to Brody. Her love for him made her blind.

“Well, I did.” Carrie admitted. “Why wouldn’t I? I looked at him and I believed him. Guess I was relieved he didn’t run right away.”

“He’s gone now.” Saul couldn’t hide it. Why did she always had to be so gullible regarding Brody?

“Come on, Saul. Stop giving me such a hard time. You know I love him and you know I will have his child. What was I supposed to believe? I want my child to grow up with a father. What was I supposed to do?”

“Not tell him about the baby.” Saul was angry. He had put a lot of effort into bringing Brody here. Carrie could have destroyed it. “He opened up to you, Carrie. You should’ve hold on to that. Nothing more. It was not the right time to tell him about the baby.”

“Thanks for the advice. I know that now by myself…” Carrie said angered. “Can you please stop blaming me now? We need to find Brody.”

“We do. Where would he go? He doesn’t even know where he is."

Carrie was silent and looked down.

“What?”

“I told him.”

Saul couldn’t believe it. “What the f…, Carrie?”

“You could’ve told me that it was a secret.”

“Seems like I should have. What is wrong with you?”

“Do you wanna tell me what is going on here, Saul? You acting like this is some special secret play I messed up. Because if it wasn’t why making such a big deal of me telling Brody where we are.”

“I can’t tell you.” Saul tried but he knew it was time to tell Carrie why she was really here.

“Come on. You can use me to get to Brody but you can’t tell me why?”

“I need him. I need him to reach out to his former contacts. Nazir may be dead but we still don’t know who bombed Langley. If Brody can make contact, we may have a chance”

“And you need me to talk him into that.”

“Right”

“Why didn’t you tell me? I want him back home, too. If he needs to do what you planed, so be it. But Saul, promise me you bring him home so he can be a father to my child.”

“I promise.”


End file.
